Thesis Project-66 Days

Wednesday didn't include any writing.  There were zero thesis words written but interestingly enough, it did bring some fresh insight.  Since I didn't have my sitter watch my little girls today (she comes only three times a week in order for me to get my writing done without the interruptions of "mommy, clean me", "mommy, I'm hungry" or "mommy, I'm bored" etc., etc.), and just like every Wednesday & Friday, I spend the day with them.  We had a really nice day.  Minimal drama and zero meltdowns (surprisingly!).  My girls and I had a slow morning and it moved into an easy going day (just the way I like it).  I took them out to a local outdoor mall that we love to visit (it's really because of the enormous Borders it has on the third level-and all the employees know us there and we simply love to be surrounded by books!).  We had a fun lunch and all shared a huge piece of chocolate cake with caramel (it was so very scrumptious) and then we made our way to our hangout, Borders.  We sat in the children's section while I perused some cake decorating books (I make fondant cakes as a hobby).  Of course, since the Café is where I normally write, I was missing the time I normally spend there typing away.  My writing was on my mind.  So, while the baby slept, my second daughter sat across from me sipping her 'bubble water' (mineral water) and my eldest tried her hand at a new drawing pad I had just purchased for her, I was able to pencil down some notes.  I wrote down a thought that had occurred to me regarding the pedophile I wrote about the day before.  Since I wasn't working on my thesis at that moment and racing to capture what I was feeling and experiencing as 'little me', I, for some reason started to create an analogy of the purpose of his actions.  All of a sudden, as comical as this may sound, I remembered the movie 'A Bugs Life' and how the grasshopper was the bully to the ants.  The ants were helpless and powerless until they realized that they weren't any of those things.  The grasshopper was simply the bully that made himself 'feel better' by pushing someone smaller than him around.  The key phrase in the movie that reflects this analogy I was trying to piece together was when the grasshopper, "Hopper" says, "It's not about food, it's about keeping those ants in line."  Until, that same frightened little ant stood up to that big scary grasshopper.  Metaphorically, I was that little ant who thought that this huge grasshopper (the pedophile) could over power me.  Then I remembered,  I had a memory flash forward.  There was one day that I did stand up to that grasshopper (pedophile) and when he realized that his bullying ways could not crush my spirit, he backed off.  Although I still never felt safe anytime  he was around, he knew that I knew that his pedophilia would not continue with me.

The process of memoir forces you to become compassionate in every respect.  The memoir process reveals a new insight everyday, every moment, every word and every thought.  It's not about bashing someone for their wrongdoing but rather telling your story the way 'you' experienced it.  It doesn't matter if the person that hurt you denies what they've done, what matters is that you tell your story.  I will never deny that I have had to suffer serious ramifications due to childhood molestation but I also know that the very person who committed those repulsive acts has to forever live with the knowledge that he damaged a child's life.  This is very sad and part of the letting go is allowing yourself to have compassion.  I am a memoirist and this is my story.

I'm happy to say that I've been able to break my progress into chapters.  Here, I list them respectively:

Chapter 1: Caged Mother

Chapter 2: The Big Deal

Chapter 3: Tales of a Fourth Grader

Chapter 4: Cold Cocaine Cave

Chapter 5: The Plight of Fear

Chapter 6: Beauty and a Beast

For those of you who have been reading my progress thus far, I thank you.  I wish to inspire those struggling with their writing and those thinking about writing.

So long for now and just keep writing...

V.