The Writer's Slum

Walking on margins and trying to keep my balance...

2011-05-24T19:51:00.000-04:00

So I wrote a novel. Yes, that's correct, I wrote a novel! It was my creative Thesis for my MFA from National University. It is provisionally titled 'Confessions of a Legal Secretary' and I say this because there is a pretty good chance of it changing slightly or entirely. I don't know yet. The creation of this blog was in part due to the inevitable struggles, epiphanies, moments of doubt, confidence and overall energy that goes into creating a story (or remembering an old one) or just about anything that you consider your own creative inclinations. So now what? I don't know, I'm figuring that out as I go along.

As of now, I walk along the margins of my novel deciding whether to delete an entire chapter or one or two or more, add more to an existing one or I ponder revamping the plot entirely. Peeking over it's rim could not be more of a daunting task even when you can say to yourself, 'Look at that, I wrote a novel. Seriously?' It's a never ending task, the one of editing and getting critiqued on the current manuscript (if you're lucky enough to get some good readers. I have a few in my pot of 'writer gems'-you know who you are). The pages remain in draft form. The margins are a reminder of the work ahead because, as it turns out, it is up to the writer's characters to decide when and how it ends. It's a balancing act in and of itself, the keeping up with the writing, the balancing of all things simultaneously happening and the constant chattering of characters that are pulling at your creative threads. Yes, it is a serious job to classify yourself as a 'writer' because if you ask most of us why we do what we do, I can almost guarantee that you'll get a response of 'because I need to.' Period. During the short time of my getting the novel out of my mind and onto a clean sheet, I was lucky enough to take a Master Novel Writing course with Mediabistro where I got to meet a slew of fabulous writers and be taught by a very insightful and outgoing Senior Editor at Random House. The class was worth every dime and the guidance I received for my novel was even better. We even started a FB page to keep in touch. So now it's all up to me to get my fingers to strike the keyboard.

It took my most of my graduate school time to arrive at the label of 'writer' not because I didn't think it was a worthy one but more because I didn't feel worthy enough as a writer to be called one. I believe that most of us go through this phase, that is unless you're a 'full of yourself' kind of person. So no, I didn't adopt the label until I was halfway through writing my Master's creative thesis. Really! This job of 'writer' is a lonely one if you will and sometimes we need to step away from our creative work in order to appreciate all the energy and creativity that we've invested in it. I don't call this writer's block but a writer's slum (I guess it helps my psyche a bit more to view it this way. Anything to trick the mind, right?!). I'll walk the margins of my pages and sure, I'll stumble here and again but then I'll dusk myself off and continue on the journey that has lead me to where I'm at so far. Balance will never be perfect and the novel will never feel 'complete' but I think that it's all worth it because I'm doing what I love and well, that's all that matters. Keep writing and forget the rest :)

Thesis Project-52 Days

2010-02-11T22:23:00.000-05:00

After a brief hiatus, I'm back and would like to share my recent insights and challenges. I've run into conflict. The conflict is mainly with tense and perhaps a little POV. After much deliberation and consideration as to where to steer my work, I was able to grasp some helpful direction from a writer's blog that I follow with which provided me some helpful ideas. My tense issues have much to do with the way tension is portrayed in the story. There are some scenes that call for more immediate emotion. There are a few options when writing this and the one solution, for me, is writing it in what Kim Davis refers to as historical present. The tricky part of the technique is pulling off right. It's a matter of craft and basic trial and error (which is expected with any rough 1st, 2nd or 3rd draft). In any event, I feel that I have come to a middle ground with this tense conflict and have been in the process of switching the tense (from past to present) within my current manuscript. I've found that the emotion is so much more immediate. I want to bring the reader into the terror and panic I felt when the gun is pointed at my temple at the age of four. Not only does the present tense make it validating for me (as a release of the repressed memory) but it also has the potential to bring my reader to a place where they can become 1) empathetic and 2) compassionate for this child (me). I'm letting my work brew itself into what it needs to be. Nothing else.

Sometimes I have glimpses of memory that'll flash before me when I'm randomly tending to my daughters. Some don't make sense at all while others are like the missing corner to a map. Awareness is key. Insights will surface at odd moments. All I can do is watch, listen and learn from my own inner workings. Memoir restores the soul and opens windows of thoughts. One must always be open to the process.

I've recently become interested in regression therapy. I've struggled to 'remember' traumatic events in my childhood and have come to realize that they are deeply embedded in my subconscious. I can remember them with the help of a trained hypnotherapist, which is why I have chosen to undergo such treatment. I need to recover these missing thoughts and I know that I will accomplish it through the constance of writing and the peeling away of layers of my great big onion through regression. This is a journey and I welcome every bump, ditch, plateau and plane.

Thank you for reading. So long for now and just keep writing...

Thesis Project-65 days

2010-01-29T14:59:00.001-05:00

Every step toward writing memoir is vital. Even if this includes no added writing to the manuscript. I went back and revised some facts I had written, tweaked some off sentences and added some new found insights. Although my edits included minor added text, I was able to get one valuable asset, an interview. My mother came by to visit me last night and while I was, at first, hesitant about talking to her regarding my working manuscript, I casually sat down with her at my dinning room table and simply said "I've been meaning to ask you a few questions. It's research for my book." She was open and willing to comply. She seemed nervous but a good sport nevertheless. I told her how I knew that bringing up past occurrences was not going to be the easiest thing for her. I then reminded her with "just look at it as helping your daughter out" and she was just fine with that. My series of questions pertained to her time spent in jail back in 1988. She was an accessory to a drug dealer (the man she lived with and to whom she mothered a child) and subsequently was placed in jail for four months for "conspiring to conceal information to drug trafficking."

Vanessa: "What went through your mind as you sat in jail?"

Mom: "I was in shock. I wasn't able to sleep, I didn't wanna eat and all I could think of was you and your sister. I was depressed."

Vanessa: "What did you wear?"

Mom: "Hmm...let's see (she paused for a moment) It was a white jumpsuit with short sleeves. It was stamped with "Dallas County Jail" in black letters on the back of it. I had one panty and one bra that I hand washed everyday."

Vanessa: "What was your cell like?"

Mom: "It was small. We had bunk beds. I shared it with a large black woman that was named 'Big Mama', she was so nice to me. My only friend in there. She looked out for me"

Vanessa: "What was 'Big Mama' in for?"

Mom: "Writing bad checks."

Vanessa: "What did you do while there? Did you read?"

Mom: "I would just sit and think. I would cry all day and night. It's all I was able to do. All I wanted was to get out and go back home to you and your sister. I had screwed your life up enough."

My mom cried as she shared her stories with me. I simply sat, quietly, observing her. I could see the regret and pain in her eyes. The far off look that inhabited her soul and the agony of being an unfulfilled person. I was deeply sad for her. As I sat with my pen and notepad, I explained to her why I needed this information. I shared my struggle with separating the 'little me' with the 'now me' and how difficult it was to come to this resolution within myself. Tears streamed down her cheeks and I gave her a compassionate smile. I thanked her for the interview. She was glad to have helped me. Later she said "Nani, if you need anything else that I can help you with, just ask." I followed with "Thank you, Mom. I will." There was no anger built in my heart while she sat there sharing her story. There was no pain associated with the loss I had experienced. There was simply compassion for my mother, myself and our lives.

Later that night as I sat in bed nursing my baby girl, I thought about how terrible it must have been to feel so helpless, so lost, so broken. My mother was my same current age when she served 4 months in jail, 32. I could never imagine the plight of briefly losing my children and at that, losing myself. While I continue to peruse the pages of my childhood and the secrets of lost time, so will I arrive at the deep love and understanding of a woman who wishes that she could turn the hands of time. Until then...

So long for now and just keep writing...

V.

Thesis Project-66 Days

2010-01-28T02:21:00.000-05:00

Wednesday didn't include any writing. There were zero thesis words written but interestingly enough, it did bring some fresh insight. Since I didn't have my sitter watch my little girls today (she comes only three times a week in order for me to get my writing done without the interruptions of "mommy, clean me", "mommy, I'm hungry" or "mommy, I'm bored" etc., etc.), and just like every Wednesday & Friday, I spend the day with them. We had a really nice day. Minimal drama and zero meltdowns (surprisingly!). My girls and I had a slow morning and it moved into an easy going day (just the way I like it). I took them out to a local outdoor mall that we love to visit (it's really because of the enormous Borders it has on the third level-and all the employees know us there and we simply love to be surrounded by books!). We had a fun lunch and all shared a huge piece of chocolate cake with caramel (it was so very scrumptious) and then we made our way to our hangout, Borders. We sat in the children's section while I perused some cake decorating books (I make fondant cakes as a hobby). Of course, since the Café is where I normally write, I was missing the time I normally spend there typing away. My writing was on my mind. So, while the baby slept, my second daughter sat across from me sipping her 'bubble water' (mineral water) and my eldest tried her hand at a new drawing pad I had just purchased for her, I was able to pencil down some notes. I wrote down a thought that had occurred to me regarding the pedophile I wrote about the day before. Since I wasn't working on my thesis at that moment and racing to capture what I was feeling and experiencing as 'little me', I, for some reason started to create an analogy of the purpose of his actions. All of a sudden, as comical as this may sound, I remembered the movie 'A Bugs Life' and how the grasshopper was the bully to the ants. The ants were helpless and powerless until they realized that they weren't any of those things. The grasshopper was simply the bully that made himself 'feel better' by pushing someone smaller than him around. The key phrase in the movie that reflects this analogy I was trying to piece together was when the grasshopper, "Hopper" says, "It's not about food, it's about keeping those ants in line." Until, that same frightened little ant stood up to that big scary grasshopper. Metaphorically, I was that little ant who thought that this huge grasshopper (the pedophile) could over power me. Then I remembered, I had a memory flash forward. There was one day that I did stand up to that grasshopper (pedophile) and when he realized that his bullying ways could not crush my spirit, he backed off. Although I still never felt safe anytime he was around, he knew that I knew that his pedophilia would not continue with me.

The process of memoir forces you to become compassionate in every respect. The memoir process reveals a new insight everyday, every moment, every word and every thought. It's not about bashing someone for their wrongdoing but rather telling your story the way 'you' experienced it. It doesn't matter if the person that hurt you denies what they've done, what matters is that you tell your story. I will never deny that I have had to suffer serious ramifications due to childhood molestation but I also know that the very person who committed those repulsive acts has to forever live with the knowledge that he damaged a child's life. This is very sad and part of the letting go is allowing yourself to have compassion. I am a memoirist and this is my story.

I'm happy to say that I've been able to break my progress into chapters. Here, I list them respectively:

Chapter 1: Caged Mother

Chapter 2: The Big Deal

Chapter 3: Tales of a Fourth Grader

Chapter 4: Cold Cocaine Cave

Chapter 5: The Plight of Fear

Chapter 6: Beauty and a Beast

For those of you who have been reading my progress thus far, I thank you. I wish to inspire those struggling with their writing and those thinking about writing.

So long for now and just keep writing...

V.

Thesis Project-67 Days

2010-01-26T22:41:00.000-05:00

I got a late start on my writing day today. Nevertheless, I arrived at Borders a bit after twelve noon and luckily, I was able to snatch my favorite corner spot. The one tucked away from the Barista and the steaming of lattes. While in my perfect little nook, the only thing that nearly ruined my sanctuary was the fact that there was a guy who sat to my right and who wouldn't stop farting. You know, the silent bomb types. Yuck, blah, gross!! Something always has to add some spice to the day eh?!

All in all, total words written today was 5,419. Total number of pages now is 26. The writing I generated today was deeply cathartic. How so? It pertained to child molestation. I was the victim of child molestation from the years 1983 to 1987 by a man my mother lived (but never married) with and subsequently had a child with. The scenes pertaining to this childhood memory were ones that I have been long avoiding due to one simple reason, fear. Pulling up the memory of a frightened, shame ridden, timid, and confused six year old is a task that I had to learn to remove my 'real self' from. Allowing these memories to resurface has taken me a few years to prepare for. While these memories have been floating around my filled to the brim glass for quite some time, I've just recently mustered up the courage to pick them out of my water. The raw emotion of surrender and the art of letting go. I needed to see the 'little me' as not 'me' and simply the character that the narrator, myself, is telling about. Not an easy task but it can definitely be accomplished. My senses were flooded with disgust and wrath toward the adult characters and I, the narrator had to step away from the 'little me' and allow for the story to take place knowing that the real 'me' was going to be just fine. There were seconds that I hated my mother. Some of those raw instances wished that I hadn't gone through certain experiences but moments later I realized that without my real stories to share, I could not be where I am today. Writing, sharing, and telling my story the way I experienced it.

So long for now and just keep writing...

Thesis Project-68 days

2010-01-25T22:22:00.000-05:00

Today I wrote 3,759 words. Total number of pages now is 20. Today was probably one of my most productive writing days. I arrived at the cafe in Borders at around 11:45 am. I ordered the usual from the cafe, a medium vanilla soy latte. I opened the last draft I had worked on last week Thursday. I began to scroll down through the ten pages in front of me when I arrived at a paragraph I wanted to add more meat to. I worked on a memory of the fourth grade and decided to add new characters in this scene. Three of my fourth grade classmates. I realized that I was able to remember as far as where they sat in the class and what their most memorable attributes were. I was enjoying putting them onto the page and adding short "fourth grade" dialogue to this aspect of the scene. I spent about 15 minutes on this portion and then moved on to a more surreal scene for me. I elaborated on my younger sister's temporary placement in an orphanage in 1988. I dug deep into what I was experiencing at the time and tried to re-count all the ways that my emotion could be set on the page. It was a very difficult task and I know that I'll have to go back and add, remove, edit and/or change the order of events. What struck me was that about thirty minutes into the 'orphanage' piece, I was pummeled with the the grief that I had experienced 22 years prior. My fingers began to tremble on the keyboard and my breathing became shallow. I had to stop for a few minutes to regain my composure. The scene that brought me back to this state of anguish was when I was reunited with my baby sister after her stay at the orphanage. I brought my hands up to my face and pushed my reading glasses up on my forehead and felt the tears well up in my eyes. I took a long deep sigh and just let the feeling pass through like a crashing wave that comes in an instant and then subsides. I wasn't quite prepared for the tsunami of emotions that would come flooding into my present world. One thing is having a distant memory of something tragic and the other is re-experiencing it fully in the present moment. My fingers tingled and my heart was racing to capture every bit of emotion that I thought I had lost so long ago. I was wrong about lost emotions. I was wrong about not being able to accurately document my experience. Today I learned that no matter how much time has been position in between a deeply tragic moment, you never lose the ability to re-visit it when you allow yourself to feel it fully.

So long for now and just keep writing...

V.

Write Now

2010-01-24T12:19:00.001-05:00

There is nothing more satisfying than putting in a substantial amount of writing. This is what all of us writers strive for on a daily, weekly and/or monthly basis. When I first created this blog, I was struggling with my own writing and therefore needed an outlet to get the words out of my head and onto a blank page. I found that when we take our attention away from our own work, we can easily have an opportunity to offer up what we are struggling with in the first place, creativity. One of my colleagues, The Accidental Blogger, recently completed his thesis and with that, he brought to me a great deal of inspiration. Some of you may or may not know that I am in the process of writing my final thesis for my MFA with a concentration in Fiction. It has been a long and grueling experience to say the least. The one great part of the process is that it is something that I ultimately love to do, write. There have been weeks where I have not been able to write down one single word. It is a struggle, yes, but then again, there is nothing that we set ourselves out to do that comes easily... right? In an effort to support the completion of my thesis, I've decided to start a countdown!

The project: A 120 page Thesis manuscript & Aesthetic Statement

Genre: Non-Fiction (Memoir)

Contender: Vanessa Jubis, MFA Candidate

Deadline: Saturday, April 3, 2010

I have placed a countdown clock at the top of my blog page to keep tabs on my progress. Once a week (or more depending on what's going on in my life), I will post how many words I wrote for the week and tally up the amount of pages of the working draft I have thus far completed. It doesn't matter what genre one chooses to write, the fact remains that it is a matter of working on the craft. Some days will be great while others will be dreadful. No matter what, we must make the time to write. Forget about what you didn't get done when your writing time approaches. Whatever it is, it can wait (unless it's a life or death situation-then please GO!). So here I vow to reach my finish line within my given timeframe. You are all my witnesses. I will keep you abreast of my journey and I welcome any comments. So long for now and just keep writing!

V.

Res.o.lu.tions-What do you need em for?!

2010-01-06T12:42:00.000-05:00

Here is the start of another year. A fresh new year to start on an unblemished piece of solid matter. And with that year in creep those pesky little 'resolutions'. I say, who needs them? While I believe that resolutions get you to move in either direction you ultimately choose, they also place unnecessary pressure to "do or not do" something. Why all the fuss? Everyday gives us the opportunity to pick up our pen and start to write. Each new day is a fresh start. It doesn't have to fall on the first day of a new year! Whether you want to whip up ten pages of that novel per day or ten minutes of writing everyday, it doesn't matter so long as you're doing just that, writing! So in lieu of 'resolutions', I say, just find 'solutions' to your writing woes. It's that simple. At the end of the day, we writers really don't need more pressure to put on ourselves about what we 'did' or 'didn't' get done that day. Just as you bring yourself to shower everyday, eat everyday, sleep everyday, rest everyday, whatever it is that you choose to do, so you can choose to write everyday without the pressure of labeling it as a 'resolution'. No need to think twice about it. Simply write instead of checking your Facebook, or checking e-mail, or washing that one or two or three dishes in the sink. All those things will still be there when you're done writing but your inspirational spark will be lost, gone forever until another one is ignited. Take advantage of those rare moments. The little gems that fall out of nowhere. The golden nuggets that bonk you on your noggin. Give yourself permission to set all the mundane things aside and do what you most desire which is simply to write. It doesn't have to be three hundred word paragraphs either. Don't place word counts on your prose because these will stifle your flow. Let your creative energy be the judge of what and how much write. You will be amazed at the results! So for now, toss those resolutions and start creating solutions because your writing deserves them!

Dreams to Reality

2009-10-22T18:30:00.001-04:00

Some believe that dreams are telling. Some follow their non-waking state and try to discover ways to assist their trials and/or tribulations in their waking life. When we go to bed each night we take with us all of our thoughts and manifest them in ways that may reveal some insight and or an answer to our troubles, or in this case, our writing. I'll use myself as an example. I had an interesting dream the other day. Someone had broken into my house. The interesting part was that I knew about it. In the dream, I 'acted' surprised and extremely upset at the manner in which my house was broken into. The act of being broken 'into' wasn't what stirred my attention as much as the 'feeling' I had toward this act. I felt frustrated, discovered, vulnerable, hopeless and angry. So was my dream a peek into my reality about my writing struggles? Perhaps.

Writer's often 'feel' all the things I described in my dream. It is a daily struggle to allow the words, process and experience to flow out instead of them being coerced out of your head. When you feel like you are literally trying to break into your own mind, you may end up becoming paralyzed with your own efforts. The process must be trusted and every writer will and must go through this 'break in' with themselves at some point. The idea here is to watch for those slightly open doors, those moments of instant thought that spring on like a grasshopper on a leaf. There are ways to try to record these nuances of everyday 'moments'. Here are some "Writer's Slum" tips I've compiled that have helped me along the way:

1. Keep 3 or 4 index cards sporadically in odd places in the house along with a pen or pencil in order to jot down a random thought or idea.

2. Apply "Writer's Slum" Tip #1 to your car as well.

3. If you own an iPhone (I don't) or a Google phone (I do) or any other phone with downloadable apps, search for a "Voice Recorder" app and use is when you don't have access to pen and paper. I've done this several times and it's worked wonders.

4. As soon as you wake up, try to record whatever it is that you remember about your dreams from the night before. If not, don't worry, they'll come to you at random moments but just be prepared to record them.

5. Allow yourself to take breaks in the form of writing something on your blog (if you have one), write a letter to a friend (even if you never send it), write down a grocery list, etc. The idea here is to get you out of your stuck mind and more in a free mind.

Try it out! Perhaps you'll find new ways to adjust your style and you can share them here. Whatever the case, simply stop slumming it and start slamming it!

One match stick at a time...

2009-10-15T00:35:00.000-04:00

The nuances of daily activities will sometimes give us a glimpse into some part of our writer's psyche that needs to be evaluated or tapped into. I was lead to an insight yesterday while picking up mishandled matchsticks. I had just spilled about 100 matchsticks from it's box onto the counter, then I realized that I had an epiphany.

Because I was in a hurry to get things organized just before a guest were to arrive at my house, I was stuffing the matchsticks in the box where they would have normally lied in neatly stacked rows and piles just flat. It felt like I was trying to stuff a million matchsticks in this tiny box. I continued to grab handfuls of matchsticks and as I looked at the jumble of matchsticks poking out of every corner and edge of the box, I thought to myself, "this is exactly how I feel about my writing", specifically, my current project, my memoir. At that very instant, I had assimilated my writing with the matchsticks and applied the feeling of being overwhelmed in my own writing. To be exact, I'm extremely overwhelmed with the amount of information and options for this memoir, i.e., what to choose to include, what to leave out, what the universal theme will be, what to highlight, etc. So as I'm staring down at the chaotic amount of matchsticks, it occurs to me that, just as this little box needs every matchstick to be placed one by one, so does my writing approach.

In order for my writing to flow in an easy, natural and engaging style, I must approach it one by one. Just one incident at a time, one moment at a time, one glimpse at a time, and one slice of life at a time. There would be no point for me to continue to feel so overwhelmed about trying to jumble these matchsticks (in this case, my writing) together and hope that it creates a story that flows. That would be simply foolish! The matches gave me a bit of an insight of how I need to approach this memoir that I'm currently tackling. It feels like a demon to me most of the time. I learned that sometimes you have to go through something 'physical' or experience the 'tangible' aspect of insights in order to gain a vital element to what is or has been missing from your writing. So if a thought occurs to you in the middle of doing something completely unrelated, think again because there is a reason for the connection. Everyday life moments will give you a golden nugget for you to examine your writing further. It's all relevant and sometimes it just takes one match stick at a time.

Birth of "The Writer's Slum"

2009-10-13T21:35:00.000-04:00

The other day, I was asked the dreaded question of “So, how’s that Thesis comin’ along?” and I, of course, inhaled deeply and reluctantly replied, “I’m in the slum!.” Forget the fact that this person even remotely understood what in the world I was talking about, let alone can even imagine what it is that I am going through. The sad reality is that this is what I go through on most days. Ask any writer. It’s true. On any given day or moment, this is what happens. I’m simply “slumming” in my writing. I’m like the slug that can barely get across the narrow stretch of sidewalk without having to slug around the plop of dog shit in it's path and then inevitably stopping for long breaks while begging, “squash me now while I’m still happy!” This is the life of the writer and while there are days, weeks and months of fabulous stretches of large word counts, there are also long stretches of the annoying intermittent cursor on the screen. The curser is the constant reminder that the keys on the keyboard are waiting to be pushed and prodded on into words, sentences, paragraphs and pages of text. What is a writer to do? Answer: Do the damn best that he/she can to stop “slumming it” and simply start “slamming it”. How, you say? With a great deal of encouragement from fellow writers, an outlet to release the frustration, and a place to rant it out and get the words flowing however they need to come out. I welcome you to “The Writer’s Slum.”